Secret Identities
by Zeki Bahamut
Summary: A mysterious shadow has switched Heero and Relena's bodies! Save me from the insanity!


In Tokyo Japan….  
  
Heero: -sips on his coffee- Where is that Wufei? He said that he would bring me some sugar. Damn this bitter coffee… Maybe I should try some tea…. –As he reaches for a cup of tea left on the counter there is a mad giggle in the hallway- -Shrugs as he sips at it, suddenly gleeful-  
  
Heero/Relena: -smoochies air- Hey… where am I? One moment I'm making out with my Heero doll, and now I'm in HeeHee's house! YAY! Hee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! COME TO MEEEEEEEE!  
  
Shadow in the hallway: You will never escape this torture…. Hehehehehehehheheheheh Beat my game if you can, Perfect Soldier Heero Yuy.  
  
  
  
Relena/Heero: -looks down at the doll- WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! –Throws it across the room- I was just drinking some tea! How did I end up in a PINK room with FRILLS and me making out with a doll of myself?! GAWD! –Stomps out of the room, slamming the door-  
  
Zechs: Someone's PMSing…  
  
Relena/Heero: -stops in the hall and glares at Zechs- I am a guy, imbecile, and I am NOT PMSing. Ugh! -Stomps down the stairs towards Tallgeese-  
  
Zechs: What makes you think I'm talking about you?! –Turns to a familiar shadow- So Noin….  
  
Relena/Heero: Who does he think he is? Just because he tried to kill me so many times doesn't give him the right to say I'm PMSing. –Tears roll down face- I am NOT… -climbs into the pilot's seat thingy- -looks at clothing- What the Hell?! –Rips the pink dress to ribbons and changes into Zechs' red coat that he just so happened to leave in the Gundam- Ah…. Now… where's that 'on' button…. There it is! –Pushes it-  
  
Gundam: -explodes-  
  
Relena/Heero: MISSION COMPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETEEEEEEE! –Flies into the atmosphere and lands on BUM BUM BUM…. HEERO'S HOUSE!-  
  
It's a Gundam Guy: It's a GUNDAAAAAAAAAAAAM!  
  
  
  
Heero/Relena: -corners Duo- Tell me now. Where is my Hee-chan? I'll make you watch Barney again…  
  
Duo: -shudders- No, no…. Anything but that! I don't know what you're talking about. You are Heero! Have you gone hysterical?!  
  
Heero/Relena: Tell me or else… -is interrupted as a figure falls through the roof- EEK! –Dives for a corner-  
  
Duo: Please, send me home! I don't wanna… heeeeeeeeey… It's Relena! God save me! I promise that I'll never complain about Barney again… -he whimpers as he crawls out of the room-  
  
Relena/Heero: -Coughs as he/she stands- What the Hell… How did I get here? Oh well, now to finish what I started. –Walks out the door and heads for his room to get some fresh clothing-  
  
Heero/Relena: Ouch! I was hit by the roof. Why didn't Hee-chan save me? I must find my love so I may ask him! –Skips down the hallway and trips over the Mr. Gosh doll- My knee… -bleeds- Why isn't my blood its usual neon pink? Hmm… I must not have had enough cotton candy this morning. –Shrugs and stands, walking down the stairs into the kitchen-  
  
  
  
Relena/Heero: -Looks into closet- Now… what to wear… -He sees and assortment of green shirts, spandex shorts and tight jeans as well as a set of full black clothing for special occasions- Awe, shit. I feel like killing someone today. I'll wear the black. –He slips into the clothing that consists of a black trenchcoat, tight black Levi's, and a tight black tee shirt- Ah, this fits much more nicely than that coat. Only… hmm… those chest exercises must really be helping; this seems a bit tight… Oh well. I have to go get me a doughnut. –Turns around and is hit in the face with long hair. Heero, however, being colorblind at the moment, thinks that he just needs a haircut- Damn this hair. It seems to grow so long overnight. –pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts it raggedly, not needing a mirror- -shakes his head around, gladly free of those long locks- Now for that doughnut… -exits the house, passing right by Relena, who he thinks is just a reflection of himself in an oddly placed mirror-  
  
  
  
Heero/Relena: -turns around and sees a figure move in the shadows- Hmm… could that be Hee-chan? –Looks closer into the shadows- Nope. Not short enough. It must be one of the other boys… I really should be getting home. I need to change clothing and eat breakfast before I… hehehe… continue my reunion with my UFO doll…. –She sneaks out the front door on her way to the mansion by the ocean-  
  
  
  
Shadow: That was close. I hope she doesn't figure out who it is…  
  
A voice from the closet behind him: I'm not dead yet!  
  
Shadow: Well you soon will be!  
  
Giant Monty Python Foot: -Squishes the guy in the closet (AKA It's a Gundam Guy)-  
  
Shadow: Thanks a lot. –Shoves the 'It's A Gundam Guy' into the wheelbarrow that the doughnut man is pushing-  
  
Doughnut man: Thanks! I can put this in my new batch! –Runs off to the doughnut shop-  
  
Shadow: That takes care of that moron. Whoever sees a Gundam will not live to tell the tale…. –Laughs maniacally as the scene changes-  
  
  
  
Gackt: -Slides by singing 'Albuquerque' in a pretty Japanese man voice-  
  
Doughnut man: Yeah, Whaddya want??  
  
Relena/Heero: You got any glazed doughnuts?  
  
Doughnut man: Nah, we're outta glazed doughnuts.  
  
Relena/Heero: Well, you got any jelly doughnuts?  
  
Doughnut man: No, we're outta jelly doughnuts.  
  
Relena/Heero: You got any Bavarian Cream-filled doughnuts?  
  
Doughnut man: No, we're outta Bavarian Cream-filled doughnuts.  
  
Relena/Heero: You got any cinnamonimuminum rolls?  
  
Doughnut man: No, we're outta… what did you call them?  
  
Relena/Heero: Cinnamonimuminum?  
  
Doughnut man: Yeah, that.  
  
Relena/Heero: You got any apple fritters?  
  
Doughnut man: No, we're outta apple fritters!  
  
Relena/Heero: You got any Spare Mobile Suit parts?  
  
Doughnut man: ….Wait a minute. I'll go check.  
  
Relena/Heero: -sits in silence waiting for the doughnut guy to come back-  
  
Doughnut man: No, we're outta Spare Mobile Suit Parts!  
  
Relena/Heero: Well in that case, in that case what DO you have?  
  
Doughnut man: All I got right now is one box of a dozen starving half- crazed chibis.  
  
Relena/Heero: All right I'll take that. –Takes box- -runs out door and shoves a bomb into the box, throwing it across the street hoping it does not go off too soon-  
  
Tifa: Heeeeeeeeeey… what do you think you're doing Lady?  
  
Relena/Heero: Lady? What do you mean by that….?  
  
Box of chibis: -Explodes-  
  
Tifa guts: -squish squish-  
  
Relena/Heero: Well, shit. –Walks off to Relena's house to strangle Zechs-  
  
  
  
Heero/Relena: -Skips up the stairs, tripping on her strangely large feet-  
  
Gackt: -slides by singing 'Trip Like I Do' in a pretty Japanese man voice-  
  
Heero/Relena: -Finally makes it upstairs and runs lop-sided into Zech's room- BROTHER! –Latch-  
  
Zechs: -Looks down at the person in Heero's body- What do you think you are doing?  
  
Heero/Relena: No time! I gotta go! –Lets go and runs into her room to change into some fresh clothes-  
  
  
  
Heero/Relena: Now now…. What to wear… hmmm… -Stares into a closet full of bright pink and clashing outfits- Ah! There it is! –Grabs a yellow skirt with pink polka-dots and a lime green shirt, now a bit loose fitting around the chest- -Puts it on and then reaches for a striped red and white berate- I'm ready now! –Runs out of the pink frilly room filled with hearts and teddy bears and plenty of UFO dolls. (Mostly of Heero in hideous outfits) He/she trips down the stairs and grabs a piece of toast, (which is NOT Heero for he is a Twinkie :D ) shoving it down his/her throat before returning upstairs clumsily to continue… whatever he/she was doing before the body switch-  
  
  
  
Relena/Heero: -Creeps into the mansion, looking around awed- Wow… I wish I had enough money to… no I don't. If I did I could just borrow some from Quatre… -Looks about the ground floor, not quite remembering how he even got out of this place, or into it for that matter… -Where the hell am I? I should've brought that map that Duo used to jack some of Zechs' underwear that one time… Why did he do that anyway… -Sneaks about, opening a door that he was guessing to be the door to the elevator- -Gasps- OH MY GOD! –Eyes widen as he sees a room filled with lit candles, incense, his toe-nail clippings some of his moss green hair and a few of his dirty socks- What does she DO in here?! Does she worship me of something?! –Imagines Relena bowing at the altar, singing some hymns that remind him a bit of Banshee cries- I don't think I want to know. –As he turns a bit of crimson catches his eye, he examined closer- A blood sacrifice… all right, I'm leaving. –Walks out the door-  
  
  
  
Meanwhile….  
  
Shadow: -Jumps on a trampoline, flipping in the air- Teehee! Man, Kefka, can you tightrope walk too?  
  
Kefka: I sure can! Want me to demonstrate? –Is shot by a cannon and is blasted into the atmosphere-  
  
Shadow: Well that takes care of the rest of my competition…. –Giggles boyishly-  
  
Cannon: -Malfunctions ant blows Shadow into the atmosphere into… BUM BUM BUUUUUUUM! Zechs' room!  
  
  
  
Relena/Heero: -Finishes crawling up the last of the stairs- My –pant- God –Pant- how does Zechs -Pant- handle this –Pant- -Drags self into the nearest room, finding himself face to face with Relena in his body!-  
  
Heero/Relena: -Glances up from the UFO doll, seeing herself on the floor- -Turns back to the Doll- -DOUBLE TAKE!- -Drops the doll- EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Hee-chan! Help me! My shadow has found a way to attack me!  
  
Relena/Heero: -Yells and stands up quickly- THE HELL! What is my clone doing here! I thought the Professors had it stored away until they found out a way to keep me immortal! Wait… your shadow? Please tell me… erm… Me, what do I look like to you?  
  
Heero/Relena: Me with short hair dressed in black. –Pouts glancing at the sheared hair-  
  
Relena/Heero: That doesn't help…  
  
-A screech is heard from a few feet away-  
  
Relena/Heero: What in the name of Wing Zero was that? –Dashes into the room next door with the girl trapped in his body following-  
  
Zechs: NOIN! Save me! –Cowers in corner looking at the shifting pile of rubble that was once the ceiling-  
  
Noin: Calm down… -Turns to the rubble- you, uh… whatever you are! Come out of there right now!  
  
Shadow: Kinda hard when there is all this stuff on top of you. –Throws the stuff off of him revealing a figure in full back, and an oddly shaped head under a ski mask-  
  
Relena/Heero: So it was Gumby all along!  
  
Noin: -Pulls off the ski mask to reveal that the person just had oddly shaped hair, jutting out in front of his eye-  
  
Heero/Relena: Trowa! I knew that I forgot to ask someone about my Hee-chan. –Strokes chin-  
  
Zechs: EEK! A clown! Save me Noin! –Shudders-  
  
Noin: It's all right. –Covers his eyes and whispers into his ear-  
  
Relena/Heero: Trowa, so you were the one who switched Relena and my bodies!  
  
Heero/Relena: I still say it was the Turtles from the Black Lagoon.  
  
Relena/Heero: I would kill you if I didn't want my body back. Trowa! Tell me how to get my body back!  
  
Trowa: -Laughs maniacally- That's the whole beauty! You can't!  
  
Relena/Heero: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
  
  
Heero: -Jerks awake- NOOOOOOOOOOOO! –Looks around and sighs- That was an odd dream…  
  
Wufei: In the name of Nataku, we're out of sugar!  
  
Heero: Oh shit… not this again…  
  
The End…. Or is it? 


End file.
